Beauty contests and ... stuff

So over the last couple of years I have been slowly unearthing my femininity from the down-yonder it has been buried for most of my life. As part of that journey of self discovery I have made a conscious effort to buy more feminine clothing i.e skirts and dresses and girly blouses. I've also tried to add a bit of color and cut back on my favorite black stuff - today I'm wearing a frilly blouse and its orange. Anyway this post is about the contest so lets stick to that shall we...

Sometime towards the end of 2011 I decided it was high time I started wearing make up. I suppose it was because I had just given birth and I wasn't feeling too pretty- OK I was feeling hideous. I went around making consultations about different products and brands until a friend of mine who happens to be a beauty consultant managed to steer me towards Black Opal. (I know this sounds like an advert but I swear its not). She made me buy a truckload of make-up and gave me a few lessons on how to use my new toys. This stuff was going to cost me a few fingers and when she saw me frowning and doing the math she told me they had a competition going and if I took all that stuff I could enter. Those who know me know I like things so I went for it. I mean who would want to go on an all expenses paid trip to New York. She told me all I had to do was get my picture taken and bring it back and I was in. 

I went home and started testing out my new stuff. I played around with different looks but hardly ever left the house with make-up on. The few times that I got the courage to do it people told me I looked nice but I didn't believe them. That said it took me a few weeks before I got my picture taken but when I did I went straight from the photographer to the store. I couldn't afford to give myself a chance to have second thoughts.

My entry photo

And then the waiting began. Oh boy it was a long wait. I watched Black Opal's Facebook page like a hawk and my heart skipped a beat whenever they put up a new post. I tortured myself for what felt like years yet every morning I would get up and tell myself that it wouldn't matter if I didn't get in. But it did matter. Getting into that competition was becoming more and more important with each passing day. I needed that validation. My husband always tells me how beautiful I am but at that time I thought he was biased and was desperate for a second opinion. It all seems so silly now but at that time it made perfect sense.

I got my validation. I couldn't believe I had made it. I was happy and I figured the rest would be a breeze. All I had to do was get my friends and family to vote for me and I would be on my way to the Big Apple. I Wonder why they call it that (guess that's something I need to Google later.) I got people to vote- some because they wanted to others well they needed to get me off their backs. Either way they voted. I never voted for myself  because I was terrified it would be considered cheating and there was no way in hell I was getting myself disqualified. I did however vote for someone I was competing against. Her name was Audrey and I thought she was really pretty. I still do. Anywaaay I made it past the first round and into the second.

People were just supposed to vote like the first round but then the unthinkable happened. The voting system crashed... too many people were voting. The game plan had to change. We had to go on stage and actually model... In front of people. And be judged... Hehede apa I walk like a duck. For the first time  I actually sat down and checked out the competition. I saw eleven beautiful women who and I thought to myself  "I'm screwed".

We were invited for a photo shoot and I had loads of fun. We had young hip local designers working on our outfits for the Grand finale and everyone looked amazing. I learned however that models have their work cut out for them. I had to stand on a slope in heels hugging a tree for dear life and still look stunning. And it was hard. The photographer was great, she knew her stuff . And I sincerely apologize for cussing at her under my breath every time she told me to "love the tree". We also did a few rehearsals before the big night and they did their best to teach us how to walk.

My favorite photo shoot pic

On the actual day of the finale I was in a state. I had three major problems- I have major stage fright, I walk like a duck and I an not used to walking in high heeled shoes. Lethal combination right there. I put on a brave face and went to the venue. everyone had gone all out. got their hair and nails done. everyone except me that is. I was going in as i was dreadlocks and all. Everyone had a designer assigned to them and they had all arrived on time... But mine wasn't there yet. I tried to look calm but i was panicking. I couldn't for the life of me sit still for longer than a minute. Then I got the call- it was her and she wasn't coming. She had been mugged somewhere and had all her bags stolen. And all my outfits were in those bags. That was it for me, I couldn't take it anymore. I just broke down and cried. Everyone was really nice about it and one of the other designers had brought an extra dress so she gave it to me but I had to get something from home for the other category. I got on the phone and asked my husband to bring something and he did. He got stuck in traffic but  got there just in time. Things were starting to look up again but by that time the little confidence I had may as well have been flushed down the toilet. I was scared... but I got on that stage anyway and I rocked it, even if i say so myself. No one could tell I had had such a horrible day and hearing my husband cheering and hollering in the audience helped plenty too. He made so much noise each time I was on stage that one of the organizers asked to meet him at the end of the night.

Rocking it

While we waited for the judges to come up with a winner I got to meet one of my favorite musicians- Tehn Diamond. Too bad we weren't allowed phones backstage, I would have loved to have my picture taken with him. The results were announced and I was second runner-up. The moment they called out my name my heart skipped a beat. I wasn't Black Opal Face Of Zimbabwe hangu but i was so happy. All the tears and tree hugging had paid off. I was also happy for Betty, no doubt I would have also wanted to go to New York (I had a shopping list a mile long and don't get me started on my things-to-do list) but I was happy for her.

This contest taught me a lot about myself . Now I know I would never have made it as a model  - its much too hard, I have a new respect for models and what they do. I also learned that its possible for women to compete without bringing out their claws. I had a lot of fun and I made new friends. Oh and its done wonders for my self esteem and I'm more comfortable in my body. I may not have a future in modelling but now i  know that I can do whatever I put my mind to. Will I do it again? Hameno! I guess we all have to watch this space...

Letter to my MOTHER

Dear Mama,

It's been a while since you've been gone. Eight whole years. I have so much to say to you and I don't even know where to start. Me and the boys are ok though we miss you . We were all so young when you left and we've done plenty of growing since then so I thought I should fill you in on everything you and Daddy have missed.

Taku is a man now Mama, he even has a wife lol. He got married last week and it was so beautiful. I haven't seen him that happy in ages. He was dancing and singing and smiling so much everyone else had no choice but to follow suit. Oh and he looked good too. You would have been so proud. I know I was. I spent half the day fighting back the tears because I wanted so badly for you to see your eldest son do good.  He got his Uni degree, got himself an awesome job and is rising up in the world. Oh Mama I wish you were here.

Then there's me! Mama I'm all grown up. I found someone crazy enough to marry me and we have a little girl. She's the spitting image of her father and shes so adorable. How i wish you could meet your first grandchild and watch her grow, spoil her and shower her with love. I wish you could be here to do all those things you wanted to do with me but never got the chance. She likes dresses and make up so I know you two would have made great friends. I also had a wedding a few years back and little Tanya made a speech that made me cry buckets on my big day.  Everyone says i'm starting to look like you and though my husband never got to meet you he is convinced I behave the same way you did. I'm still trying to find my place in the world and something tells me i'm close.

Oh Mama your beloved Kuda has come a long way. He's not as adorable as you may remember but he is still just as headstrong. His voice is so deep now I know you would be so surprised. Don't worry though he can still sing. He's a chef by profession and though he's still in school he's started his own business. He looks so much like Daddy and so does Taku. When he laughs really hard he loses his voice and all you see are the tears running down his cheeks just like you did. Guess we know who inherited your sense of humor. Ok maybe we all did but he got most of it.

And where do I even begin to describe your baby... Little Tanya is not so little anymore. Sixteen years old now and gosh he is tall. He makes the rest of us feel really short. His voice is also really deep now and I fear its going to become worse. I'm pleased to say he still looks like me - yes I finally admit it, ndakazozvionawo ndega. He's in high school  now and he's acing it. Oh Mama you would be so proud. Sometimes I think of him and I just cry because he was only in grade two and I don't think he remembers you much. He hardly talks about you but I know he misses you. I just pray that he never forgets and I will try my best to make sure he doesn't. Good news is he isn't as naughty as he was back then in fact i think he's turning into quite the gentleman. Yes he has his moments but they are few and far between. I'm sure he will grow into the man you wanted him to be and so much more. I know he will make us all proud.

All four of us- 2009

God has been kind to us Mama. He has not left nor forsaken us. Our lives would have crashed and burned had He not kept watch over us. You left us in very capable hands - Aunt Flo has tried her best to keep us all in check. And though I know she can never take your place she has done her very best to fill your shoes yet she has never once tried to replace you in our hearts. Don't worry about us Mama we're doing fine. You raised us right and we're going to make you proud. Memories of you is all we have left and we shall forever cherish them. I know there are going to be more of these "I wish you were here"  moments. I know there will be days where I wont be able to hold back the tears. I know there will be moments when I feel like I cant go on. But I also know I'll be okay, we all will. We love you Mama and we always will.

Your little Girl
Nyasha

Mothers' May

The month of May is just not my favourite and I'm so glad its over.You cant blame me it has Mother's Day and my mom's birthday all in it. Over the years I've learnt to bear it and deal with it and live through it some years are difficult some are literally a breeze.

Mother's Day used to be very hard for me in the past. I would completely shut the world out in the weeks leading up to it because i couldn't bear to see all the gift ads on TV and in shop windows. I thought if I pretended not to see them then it wouldn't hurt so much but it did. It hurt real bad. I would cry buckets and buckets of tears. My heart would break on the day watching other people with their mothers laughing and having fun giving them gifts. I so badly wanted to do the same with my own mother but I couldn't. And I was always thinking how unfair that was.

And the 25th being a holiday doesn't help me much. it means I am at home and idle (well now i have a toddler so its difficult to ever be idle) and i have lots of time to "think". To think about my loss, to think about   how miserable I thought I was. I remember in 2008 I sat in the shower for what felt like hours just letting
the water wash away my tears. and there were plenty to wash. This is the one time I didn't want anyone else at my pity party. Part of me was hoping the water would dissolve me and take me down the drain with it. Another year i completely forgot what day it was and i felt so guilty about it when i realised. I beat myself about it for the next week because I felt i had no right to skip my yearly "grief ritual".

This year though I realised something. I don't have to mourn every May. In as much as I would like my mom to be here, in as much as i would like to buy her a card for Mothers' day or chocolates and a bath robe for her birthday I can't. I can however pay tribute to the woman she was by enjoying those special days with the people that I still have. I am so grateful to have known such a beautiful, strong willed woman. To have loved her and to have been loved by her in return. To have had an example to follow when I had my own kids. Nothing can ever bring her back but from now on I'm not going to wallow in self pity and cry myself to sleep anymore but I can actually be happy, especially on Mother's day seeing as I'm now a mother myself.

Pretty...

A few weeks ago  I saw a post on Facebook about a three day old baby at a local children's home. She needed clothes and bottles and stuff. I felt moved by the sweet little picture and I decided I would help. I packed up my little girl's old clothes (well not exactly old but stuff she doesn't use anymore...) Anyway I set out to just go and drop off the bag of stuff and go back home having done my good deed of the day. Boy was I in for a surprise...

When I got there there were other ladies who had got there before me holding her making goo goo eyes as does everyone who holds a baby.  She was wrapped up in so many blankets and as soon as I saw her tiny little face I was hooked. When my turn came to hold her I had to fight really hard to stop the tears that had welled up in my eyes from flowing. She was so so small, I have never seen a person that small. (My daughter was born big). Her tiny nose overshadowed by big brown curious eyes... awww I can't get the image out of my head. First thing I thought of however was "What if I break her?" and I decided to hand her back to the matron but she was gone. In the half a minute I had been engulfed in the world of Pretty they had all left the room. It was just me and her. Right then I decided to say a prayer for her. I prayed that God would bless her and protect her and guide her through life. I prayed he would keep her from harm and help her grow into a woman who would make a difference in the world. I prayed for the teachers at the schools she's going to go to and the man who's going to marry her. I prayed for it all.

She started whimpering and fussing like she was hungry so I had to look for the matron and ask for her bottle as I fed her I started thinking how unfair it was, she needed her mother she needed to be breastfeeding not suckling off some lifeless plastic teat. I felt so angry , how could anyone give up such a gift? Such a precious precious gift. I asked the matron what happened to the mother but she couldn't give me an answer. Just said that they got the children through social welfare and they were never told their backgrounds. my heart bled for the little angel. I had so many emotions and thoughts I was getting confused, I just decided to myself that no woman would ever willingly leave her child so this one had to have died during labour. She didn't eat much. no surprise there. and was soon yawning contentedly and I started singing and rocking her gently. When she closed her little eyes I felt so proud of myself  it was almost as if I had never put a baby to sleep before. Somehow this baby was different. As I put her down in her cot I vowed to come back Who could stay away?

I watched the older children play for a while before I made my way home and they all seemed so happy and carefree yet most of them were orphaned or had been dumped as babies or had their mothers in jail. Yet none of that seemed to stop them from going on with their lives, from seizing the moment and enjoying themselves. they made me look at my own life and the petty things i hold on to that stop me from enjoying my life, they made me realised what an ungrateful B*#%@ I can be.Tears again! I had to fight them off. I made my way home in a daze and that night as i knelt to pray I couldn't stop the tears anymore and I just let them flow. I wept for Pretty, I wept for all the kids at the home I wept for myself and I wept till there were no more tears. It was such an overwhelming experience too much for my fragile heart to bear.

I went back the next weekend, and when i saw Pretty she had grown, she was sooo much bigger and looked nothing like the fragile little baby from the previous week. I was so proud of her as was everyone there. she was still small but much bigger than she had been, i got the honour of feeding her again (maybe something about me makes her hungry) but I didn't get to rock her to sleep.  I felt bad for not bringing her anything this time around but i soon got over it, that day's mission had been to treat the older kids any way. I did promise however to go back to see her whenever I could and to help with whatever she needed in whichever way I could.

I have to admit I fell in love with that little girl and the main reason I'm only writing her about her now is because I've been busy lately and haven't had a chance to go back to see her. I actually miss her and I wouldn't mind a day of jumping around and being silly with the older kids either.

Joy So Pure

I woke up feeling so low today but a very small act of love from above made it all better. All of a sudden I was filled with such joy and now though I remember why I was sad earlier it doesn't bother me at all. I'm just so happy and I'm loving the feeling.

So I just want to thank God for the joy within. Joy that is bigger than any problem I can ever encounter. Joy that emanates from within and spreads to the outside. The joy that's making me grin like an idiot for no apparent reason. I just absolutely love my God and I know for a fact that He loves me more than any other person ever could. Who else gave up His one and only Son to die for little old me( John 3:16). Who else would tolerate all my shortcomings like He does . Who else could forgive me over and over and over for hurting him like i always do. I'm humbled yet elevated by such LOVE. A unique kind of love from which nothing and no-one can seperate me (Rom 8:35). Love that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Love that accepts me as I am.

Got me singing a song we used to sing in Sunday school when I was younger.
"I've got a joy, joy, joy down in my heart....
... And I'm so happy, so very happy,
I've got the love of Jesus in my heart"

Hope For The Living...

“For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for better is a living dog than a dead lion" Ecclesiastes 9:4(KJV).

I don’t know what you are going through in your life or what you have been through in the past but I’m coming to you to say there is hope. Whatever your situation God is there and with him nothing is impossible. Financial trouble, your husband has left you or you have lost a loved one I’m here to say that even if you have hit rock bottom smile coz the only place left to go is up. Whatever the devil has thrown your way he has made a huge mistake: he left you ALIVE. The fact that you’re here now should bring you comfort because like He did for Job, GOD can and will restore you to your former glory but only if you let him. So this morning please let him.  I know of a woman who lost her husband a few years back and was left to look after their three young daughters on her own. As if that wasn’t enough her husband’s family chased her away and she struggled for a while. But by the grace of God she found a job and now she can put food on the table and send her girls to school without worrying. She has even bought a stand and managed to build a cottage. She is an inspiration even to me. And living proof that God will never forsake us. If you are sick God can heal and give you better health than you had before like He did for Naaman. “Then went he down and dipped himself seven times in Jordan according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child and he was clean”.2 Kings 5:14. All you need to do is pray and believe. And be sensitive to the instructions of the Spirit and follow them.

And now to those who think that they have sinned “too much”. I want to say that our God is a very forgiving God. Those notions in your head are of the devil and like I said earlier he let you live and that shall be his downfall. My favourite verse of all time Isaiah 1:18 says “Come now let us reason together saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow. Though they be red as crimson they shall be as wool”.  What better invite are you waiting for? He is ready to forgive you. The question is : are you ready to be forgiven? He doesn’t care what you’ve done he loves you all the same. Nomatter how many times you have sinned he wants to forgive you. It’s who he is.  “For his anger endureth but a moment in his favour is life...” Psalm 30:5. So my friend whoever you are and wherever you are and whatever you may have done there is still hope for you to become a better person and bask in the love of our Lord. Remember every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

In JESUS’ name

Amen.

Happy Birthday To Me

Yippee today is my birthday and I'm soo excited.

I cant explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm so happy  I wanna do cartwheels and I'm pretty sure that at some point during the day I AM going to do just that. I'm so grateful to God because He is just amazing, He has blessed me so much in every part of my life. I have a great husband, a beautiful daughter, a roof over my head, a job clothes on my back and I have never gone to bed hungry. I have a strong support system and He brings into my life the the right people at the perfect time. God is just amazing, He gave me life and the most precious gift I could have ever received- He sacrificed His Son for me. So that I could be saved.

I don't know how to express my gratitude, I have nothing to give except my heart. I pray that its good enough...