Mothers' May

The month of May is just not my favourite and I'm so glad its over.You cant blame me it has Mother's Day and my mom's birthday all in it. Over the years I've learnt to bear it and deal with it and live through it some years are difficult some are literally a breeze.

Mother's Day used to be very hard for me in the past. I would completely shut the world out in the weeks leading up to it because i couldn't bear to see all the gift ads on TV and in shop windows. I thought if I pretended not to see them then it wouldn't hurt so much but it did. It hurt real bad. I would cry buckets and buckets of tears. My heart would break on the day watching other people with their mothers laughing and having fun giving them gifts. I so badly wanted to do the same with my own mother but I couldn't. And I was always thinking how unfair that was.

And the 25th being a holiday doesn't help me much. it means I am at home and idle (well now i have a toddler so its difficult to ever be idle) and i have lots of time to "think". To think about my loss, to think about   how miserable I thought I was. I remember in 2008 I sat in the shower for what felt like hours just letting
the water wash away my tears. and there were plenty to wash. This is the one time I didn't want anyone else at my pity party. Part of me was hoping the water would dissolve me and take me down the drain with it. Another year i completely forgot what day it was and i felt so guilty about it when i realised. I beat myself about it for the next week because I felt i had no right to skip my yearly "grief ritual".

This year though I realised something. I don't have to mourn every May. In as much as I would like my mom to be here, in as much as i would like to buy her a card for Mothers' day or chocolates and a bath robe for her birthday I can't. I can however pay tribute to the woman she was by enjoying those special days with the people that I still have. I am so grateful to have known such a beautiful, strong willed woman. To have loved her and to have been loved by her in return. To have had an example to follow when I had my own kids. Nothing can ever bring her back but from now on I'm not going to wallow in self pity and cry myself to sleep anymore but I can actually be happy, especially on Mother's day seeing as I'm now a mother myself.

Pretty...

A few weeks ago  I saw a post on Facebook about a three day old baby at a local children's home. She needed clothes and bottles and stuff. I felt moved by the sweet little picture and I decided I would help. I packed up my little girl's old clothes (well not exactly old but stuff she doesn't use anymore...) Anyway I set out to just go and drop off the bag of stuff and go back home having done my good deed of the day. Boy was I in for a surprise...

When I got there there were other ladies who had got there before me holding her making goo goo eyes as does everyone who holds a baby.  She was wrapped up in so many blankets and as soon as I saw her tiny little face I was hooked. When my turn came to hold her I had to fight really hard to stop the tears that had welled up in my eyes from flowing. She was so so small, I have never seen a person that small. (My daughter was born big). Her tiny nose overshadowed by big brown curious eyes... awww I can't get the image out of my head. First thing I thought of however was "What if I break her?" and I decided to hand her back to the matron but she was gone. In the half a minute I had been engulfed in the world of Pretty they had all left the room. It was just me and her. Right then I decided to say a prayer for her. I prayed that God would bless her and protect her and guide her through life. I prayed he would keep her from harm and help her grow into a woman who would make a difference in the world. I prayed for the teachers at the schools she's going to go to and the man who's going to marry her. I prayed for it all.

She started whimpering and fussing like she was hungry so I had to look for the matron and ask for her bottle as I fed her I started thinking how unfair it was, she needed her mother she needed to be breastfeeding not suckling off some lifeless plastic teat. I felt so angry , how could anyone give up such a gift? Such a precious precious gift. I asked the matron what happened to the mother but she couldn't give me an answer. Just said that they got the children through social welfare and they were never told their backgrounds. my heart bled for the little angel. I had so many emotions and thoughts I was getting confused, I just decided to myself that no woman would ever willingly leave her child so this one had to have died during labour. She didn't eat much. no surprise there. and was soon yawning contentedly and I started singing and rocking her gently. When she closed her little eyes I felt so proud of myself  it was almost as if I had never put a baby to sleep before. Somehow this baby was different. As I put her down in her cot I vowed to come back Who could stay away?

I watched the older children play for a while before I made my way home and they all seemed so happy and carefree yet most of them were orphaned or had been dumped as babies or had their mothers in jail. Yet none of that seemed to stop them from going on with their lives, from seizing the moment and enjoying themselves. they made me look at my own life and the petty things i hold on to that stop me from enjoying my life, they made me realised what an ungrateful B*#%@ I can be.Tears again! I had to fight them off. I made my way home in a daze and that night as i knelt to pray I couldn't stop the tears anymore and I just let them flow. I wept for Pretty, I wept for all the kids at the home I wept for myself and I wept till there were no more tears. It was such an overwhelming experience too much for my fragile heart to bear.

I went back the next weekend, and when i saw Pretty she had grown, she was sooo much bigger and looked nothing like the fragile little baby from the previous week. I was so proud of her as was everyone there. she was still small but much bigger than she had been, i got the honour of feeding her again (maybe something about me makes her hungry) but I didn't get to rock her to sleep.  I felt bad for not bringing her anything this time around but i soon got over it, that day's mission had been to treat the older kids any way. I did promise however to go back to see her whenever I could and to help with whatever she needed in whichever way I could.

I have to admit I fell in love with that little girl and the main reason I'm only writing her about her now is because I've been busy lately and haven't had a chance to go back to see her. I actually miss her and I wouldn't mind a day of jumping around and being silly with the older kids either.

Joy So Pure

I woke up feeling so low today but a very small act of love from above made it all better. All of a sudden I was filled with such joy and now though I remember why I was sad earlier it doesn't bother me at all. I'm just so happy and I'm loving the feeling.

So I just want to thank God for the joy within. Joy that is bigger than any problem I can ever encounter. Joy that emanates from within and spreads to the outside. The joy that's making me grin like an idiot for no apparent reason. I just absolutely love my God and I know for a fact that He loves me more than any other person ever could. Who else gave up His one and only Son to die for little old me( John 3:16). Who else would tolerate all my shortcomings like He does . Who else could forgive me over and over and over for hurting him like i always do. I'm humbled yet elevated by such LOVE. A unique kind of love from which nothing and no-one can seperate me (Rom 8:35). Love that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Love that accepts me as I am.

Got me singing a song we used to sing in Sunday school when I was younger.
"I've got a joy, joy, joy down in my heart....
... And I'm so happy, so very happy,
I've got the love of Jesus in my heart"

Hope For The Living...

“For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for better is a living dog than a dead lion" Ecclesiastes 9:4(KJV).

I don’t know what you are going through in your life or what you have been through in the past but I’m coming to you to say there is hope. Whatever your situation God is there and with him nothing is impossible. Financial trouble, your husband has left you or you have lost a loved one I’m here to say that even if you have hit rock bottom smile coz the only place left to go is up. Whatever the devil has thrown your way he has made a huge mistake: he left you ALIVE. The fact that you’re here now should bring you comfort because like He did for Job, GOD can and will restore you to your former glory but only if you let him. So this morning please let him.  I know of a woman who lost her husband a few years back and was left to look after their three young daughters on her own. As if that wasn’t enough her husband’s family chased her away and she struggled for a while. But by the grace of God she found a job and now she can put food on the table and send her girls to school without worrying. She has even bought a stand and managed to build a cottage. She is an inspiration even to me. And living proof that God will never forsake us. If you are sick God can heal and give you better health than you had before like He did for Naaman. “Then went he down and dipped himself seven times in Jordan according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child and he was clean”.2 Kings 5:14. All you need to do is pray and believe. And be sensitive to the instructions of the Spirit and follow them.

And now to those who think that they have sinned “too much”. I want to say that our God is a very forgiving God. Those notions in your head are of the devil and like I said earlier he let you live and that shall be his downfall. My favourite verse of all time Isaiah 1:18 says “Come now let us reason together saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow. Though they be red as crimson they shall be as wool”.  What better invite are you waiting for? He is ready to forgive you. The question is : are you ready to be forgiven? He doesn’t care what you’ve done he loves you all the same. Nomatter how many times you have sinned he wants to forgive you. It’s who he is.  “For his anger endureth but a moment in his favour is life...” Psalm 30:5. So my friend whoever you are and wherever you are and whatever you may have done there is still hope for you to become a better person and bask in the love of our Lord. Remember every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

In JESUS’ name

Amen.

Happy Birthday To Me

Yippee today is my birthday and I'm soo excited.

I cant explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm so happy  I wanna do cartwheels and I'm pretty sure that at some point during the day I AM going to do just that. I'm so grateful to God because He is just amazing, He has blessed me so much in every part of my life. I have a great husband, a beautiful daughter, a roof over my head, a job clothes on my back and I have never gone to bed hungry. I have a strong support system and He brings into my life the the right people at the perfect time. God is just amazing, He gave me life and the most precious gift I could have ever received- He sacrificed His Son for me. So that I could be saved.

I don't know how to express my gratitude, I have nothing to give except my heart. I pray that its good enough...

When Death Comes-a-Knocking

What are the odds that two people you know would pass on on the same day. In two totally unrelated incidents. Happened to me yesterday and I was reminded how I am living on borrowed time and how I take it for granted every day.

None of us ever thinks that death will befall the people we love. Its something that only happens next door. Our families are going to be around forever... right? That's what we think. As a result we go for days , weeks and sometimes decades without communicating with the people closest to our hearts. We allow distance and time to separate us and we allow life to come between us. We have our priorities all messed up and we neglect the things that ought to matter most. We forget to say "Hi, How are you today". We hardly ever say "I love you."  And "Thank you" has ceased to exist in our vocabularies. We fight over trivial things and we don't say "I'm sorry." We continue to grow apart and those of us who are away at work in other countries have begun to replace love and affection with money and other meaningless material things. We assume that they know we love them. How can they when the words have never passed our lips. We waste time being angry over petty things and we let molehills turn into the Himalayas and divide us unnecessarily. We always say to ourselves "I'll call tomorrow" but tomorrow never comes.   We put our dreams aside- after all we have the rest of our lives to do it right? Not! We have all these things that we have been meaning to do for years but have never gotten around to do it. All these wrongs we need to right.

We have forgotten that tomorrow isn't promised to anyone and when we hear that a loved one has departed we get into shock. Our minds instantly rush to all the could have beens and would have beens. That's when we find ourselves full of regret and often inconsolable. We think of the things we meant to say to them but never did, the I love yous, the apologies. We think of the times we wanted to visit but came up with one excuse or another and stayed at home. We forget that death gives no notice nor warning, it sneaks up on us and cruelly snatches our family and our friends. We don't know when or how it will strike but until it does we never give it a thought. If  you were to receive that dreaded call today would yo be able to grieve without regret.

Maybe its your time that's run out. Would those close to you salute you and celebrate you. Can you say you have truly lived. What kind of race are you running? What king of crown is waiting for you on the other side?

I don't know about you but when my turn to leave this earth comes I want to have done the best I can, loved the best I can and lived the best I can... So that when the saints go marching in I will be among them, waiting expectantly to see my Lord.

Evolution of me

Its official I'm getting old! Yesterday morning my husband was staring at me and I asked him why. "Oh, just marveling at how you look more like a woman since we got married" was  the response. He's been saying things like that a lot lately... and he isn't the only one. My friends and family have also noticed it. Just the other day someone looked at me and said " Munya has really brought out the woman in you". Well I really do hate to admit it but they are right. I am not the same person I was a few years ago. Sometimes when I pass by a mirror i have to look twice just to make sure its really me.

 I am an only girl in my family and growing up I was a tom-boy of sorts. Aside from my school uniform I had no dresses and I hardly ever wore skirts- unless they were super short... I was always hanging with the boys and at some point I actually thought I was one of them.  When I was in primary school I almost always had my hair cut very short-much to my mother's disappointment. She wanted to have a little girl that she could dress up in pretty dresses and in whose hair she could put colorful ribbons. I remember tagging along to the barber with dad after promising her that I was just going to watch and coming back with a clean shaven head. Poor woman, she would throw a fit but well that didn't help her cause much. She even bought me dolls until she realised that we used to remove their heads and use them as soccer balls. I got into a single-sex boarding school when I was thirteen and she was elated, I suppose she hoped if I was surrounded by other girls I would eventually turn into one and come home to wear all those dresses that were gathering dust in my wardrobe. But even there I somehow found males to make friends with.

By the time I turned sixteen I had no skirts or dresses in my wardrobe and when my dad died I had nothing to wear at the funeral. I had to make do with a wrap over a tracksuit bottom. After this I went out of my way to buy a skirt. I was long and tight and I sooo hated it.

I started going to a co-ed school for A'level and that's when any progress i had made in getting in touch with my feminine side went straight out the window. There were lots of boys to hang out with there LOL. I made lots of friends and was often the only girl in a group of guys talking cars sports and girls, yes girls. most of them hoped to get an insight on how the female brain works but they were barking up the wrong tree. Sometimes I would go out for tournaments with the boys' sports teams and I'd be the only female on the bus.   Loudly singing along to the songs - obscenities and all. I was always clad in jeans or tracksuit bottoms and tee, the baggier the clothes were the better. I tried my damnedest to hide all my female physical features.  and I would just cut my hair on a whim. I still do. By now you should have an idea of what i looked like. I also did my best to act as boyish as possible. In fact the very first time I spoke to my husband he saw me jump over a gate (but that's a story for another day) .

I really cant say when exactly things changed and that's why I'm calling it evolution. It could have been that I loved wearing a dress on my wedding day I decided to go buy more or maybe child birth awakened the woman in me- who knows. All I know is I'm being transformed into this being that I know not. Everything from my wardrobe to my lifestyle has changed. I am the proud owner of more than five skirts, three dresses and two pairs of high heeled shoes. My older brother has a field day every time he sees me in a dress and I am yet to adapt to that sight as well. I have also since started wearing make- up and I'm becoming quite the expert at doing up my own face. I've even done a bit of volunteer modeling and entered a beauty contest. I remember I had my eyebrows trimmed & shaped for the first time on my wedding day. My husband looked at me on our honeymoon and proclaimed that he liked the look and all but begged me to keep it so i did.

On the inside I have realised that I'm becoming more and more emotional and that tears are more readily available than they use to be. I'm also a bit more tolerant of others and less impatient with myself. I've stopped hating my body and I have fully accepted that I am a woman. A woman who still likes to cut her hair once in a while. (I've decided to go natural and get dreadlocks and will try my best to grow my hair for the next ten years ). I'm not super girly or anything like that but I'm far more feminine than I have ever been. I'm not trying to prove myself and I've stopped competing with the boys. I can safely say i enjoy being the fairer sex and having someone else be strong for me every once in a while. I'm discovering new things about myself   on a regular basis. I'm starting to hate pink a lot less but blue will always be my favorite colour. I have come to the point where I'm OK using words like beautiful to describe myself. I feel comfortable in the company of other women though my gossip skills still need a bit of work... yes I went there... LOL

The little boy in me will always be there but I'm really glad that the WOMAN that I'm becoming will always be around to keep him in check. I know this is just the beginning and I know I'm gonna keep surprising myself and those around me. Who knows maybe one day I'll be able to wear a skirt more than thrice a week and not feel awkward. I may even start making female friends. Lets watch this space together why don't we?

Temptation

When i was younger  I lived a cushioned life and being the only girl i was a little on the spoilt side. I had everyone in the family wrapped around my little finger (except my mom of course) and I could have gotten away with murder if I wanted. My father always made sure I had everything i needed though he was not too keen on buying things he liked to call "wants". Basically I knew that school fees would be paid on time, I always had clothes to wear and I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. We all did. We may not have had all the luxuries we wanted but he had all the important stuff covered. I felt secure and content.

After my dad passed away life took a turn in the "wrong" direction. I was - for the first time in my life, sent home from school for failure to pay fees and I was traumatized. Things kept going downhill and I prayed for an end to it. Our family had to make some pretty drastic lifestyle changes. I had to be taken out of boarding school and I had to go to a school close to home to save money but also because  my mom was sick and I needed to be home to take care of her. I had to make do with second hand uniforms and on some days we had no idea where the next meal was coming from. We often had to swallow our pride and take handouts from well wishers. 

It is at this time that i learnt valuable lessons about the human population. I learnt that most people will kick you when you're down. Some will try to take advantage of you and very few will help you out of the goodness of their hearts. I mostly encountered the vultures that tried to take advantage of my situation and I had to keep fighting them off even after things got better. The majority of them were men- much older than i was, pretending to be sympathetic of my situation.

Everywhere I went I was hounded by at least one such person. The teachers at school, neighbors, my friends' fathers and brothers. And later on when I was a bit older and going to work my workmates, especially my superiors. The moment they heard about my background they would start hanging around like hungry hyenas. Their shameless attempts at flirting were rather pathetic. All of them were married. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking to myself  "I'm not pretty" and wondering what they all wanted from me. I soon realised that they knew I was in a bad place and I was also vulnerable. They knew that it would be very easy for me to be led astray especially if I saw a chance at a "better" life. 

Boy were they in for a surprise... I may have been young but I was far from naive and I knew exactly were the path they wanted me to take would lead. There was nothing but disaster at the end of it. I just thank God for making me level headed and for giving me people who loved me and were genuinely supportive through this time. I have to admit though that sometimes the offers these strange men presented to me were rather tempting and it took a lot of strength to say no. I remember my very first job : the owner of the firm wanted to buy me a flat of my own if I agreed to become his wifey number three. Yes three. I can only imagine the horror of sharing my husband with two other women. I thought I was quite clever for being able to reject these advances but now I know better and I know that God had big plans for my life and wasn't going to let me get side tracked for anything not even for all the money in the world. 

I could have chosen the easy way out. There was nothing stopping me from exchanging sexual favors for money. I could have even ended up a full time working-girl who does  her business at street corners. But no

God loves me so much and He wouldn't have any of that. I needed the money and there was no source of income aside from my mother's miserable pension and there were medical bills and school fees to be paid. there were mouths to feed and a whole bunch of other necessities for which money was needed. It also didn't help that our country's economy was slowly "dying" . Up to now i have no idea how we made it through that tough phase. It was indeed by divine intervention. I'm really glad I listened to my conscience and slummed it out during that time. Otherwise I wouldn't be enjoying the fruits of my perseverance. I'm not rich but I'm OK and i know God has yet to finish with me.

It really pains me to see all those girls who do "things" for money. I look at them and think "That could have been me" . They wanted a quick fix and made choices that seemed to be the best at that time. They made life long decisions based on lies and honey traps and now its too late to turn back. I learned that there is a season and a reason for everything under the sun (Ecc 3:1) and that we should not let our current situations define us or determine who we become in future. 

Love like this...

This was my prayer for Valentines:

Dear Lord,
Teach me to love like You do. Love that is sacrificial,
Love that is forgiving. Love that endures all
Love that is unconditional, love that expects nothing in return.
Love that is willing to go the extra mile. Love that knows no bounds.
Love that gives and gives. Love that leads by example.
Teach me to love my neighbor as I love myself.
Teach me to love my enemies as You have commanded of me.
I want to love others like You have loved me.
Amen

Praise HIM through the storm...

Life can be one big mess at times... Nothing seems to be going as it should and the world seems to have turned on you. Those closest to you abandon you and the world seems to be a lonely place. i'm having one of those days today and i listened to the wind and it seems to be singing to me. call me crazy but this is the song that has filled my ears, my mouth and my heart:

"You don't have to worry
 And don't yo be afraid
Joy comes in the morning
Troubles they don't last always
For there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe those tears away
And if your heart is broken
Just lift those hands and say...

With Jesus I can make it
In Him I know I can stand
No-matter what
May come my way
My life is in your hands...

When all those tests and troubles
They seem to get you down
And all your friends and loved ones
They are nowhere to be found
Remember there's a friend in Jesus
Who will wipe those tears away
And if your heart is broken
Just lift those hands and say...

In as much as I am feeling down I know there is someone out there who loves me unconditionally. He doesn't care whether I'm right or wrong. He takes care of me all the time and he is always by my side. and today I've made a decision. Since He is loving me through my storm I'm also gonna PRAISE HIM THROUGH IT. 

Isaiah 41:10 Hebrews13:5

Home sweet home

Yesterday I had a really bad day at work and by the time I got home I was close to tears. I kept going over the day’s events in my head trying to figure out where I had gone wrong. I was very angry with myself, my boss, but most of all with God.

The moment I got into the house Fafie got up from her nap and the sight of her little sleep filled face just thawed my heart. So beautiful and innocent as she called for me to pick her up. At first I thought why can’t she just leave me be to sort out my thoughts and stop bothering me. But she wouldn’t stop calling so I took her in my arms and gave her a hug and she gave me her special little kiss (I don’t know anyone else who kisses with her mouth wide open). Suddenly I felt at peace I smiled with her and her giggles filled the room they also filled my heart, chasing out the darkness.

My evening turned out beautifully. I was laughing and singing and dancing with my baby and having loads of fun. By the time my husband came home I had completely forgotten about my bad day. I only remembered later when I had put Fafie to bed and we started talking about how our day had been (we can’t do much talking when she’s awake) but all the anger I had felt earlier was gone. It was as if I was recalling an incident that had happened ages ago.

As I fell asleep last night I realised that I shouldn’t be angry at God. I realised that I had lots of other things going for me and that a bad day at work would never over shadow them. I realised that I should be grateful that He knew the devil would occasionally mess with my head and that work would at some point give me stress. He knew all this so in His infinite wisdom He created a place for me to go after that bad day. A home filled with love, with laughter with joy. A home where I can go to forget all my cares. A home where I can let loose and be me in the craziest way I know how. There I can feel God’s love through my daughter’s heart. And I know that I’m doing something right in my life. Thank God for home

Those Last Few Days...

I lost my mother on Wednesday 7 September 2005. A lot happened in the last two years of her life but the events of that final week are going to be forever engraved in my mind. I watched her stop fighting and let go of her life breath by breath. I really hope I am now strong enough to write this without breaking down. God give me strength.

My mother had always been strong throughout her sickness. She was so hard-headed she wouldn’t let anything get her down. She still tried her best to talk and laugh as if all was well though she clearly knew it wasn’t. She would get out of bed and clean up around the house on the good days and on the really good ones she would take a walk in the neighbourhood. The out of the blue she just went cold. It was as if a dark cloud was constantly hovering over her. She withdrew into herself and her condition stated to deteriorate. She stopped talking except to make simple requests like when she was hungry and when she needed help going to the loo. She would stare blankly at her visitors and would let them talk about her for hours on end as if she were not there. I took on the task of bathing and feeding her but it was not easy as I had to go to school during the day leaving her alone. One of her aunts came to see her and before she left she asked for a pair scissors and cut off my mother’s hair. I didn't question her I just assumed it was to make it more manageable. I discovered later on that in our culture when elders see that someone’s life is nearing its end they remove the hair on their head. Her little sister came by soon after and she threw such a fit over the cut hair and she decided to take mom into her care. As they drove away I felt some sort of relief because truth be told I wasn’t managing. I was only eighteen and my final exams were just but a month away.

My little brother and I only managed to go and see her on Sunday because we had school all week. I hate to say this but the woman I saw then looked nothing the mom I had known and loved all my life. She was but a shell of her former self. I could see the tears welling up in her  eyes when we entered the room but she would not let them fall. She stared at us and said nothing. We hugged and kissed her- No response. She was as cold as can be. I asked all the right questions how was she feeling? Was she comfortable? Was she eating well? She said nothing... I could see it in her eyes that she so desperately wanted to say something – especially to my brother. But she didn’t. She knew she would weep and she couldn’t have that. (Stubborn to the very end). I had so many questions to ask her, real questions not just small talk. But how could I when I knew she wouldn’t answer. We sat there in silence till the tension was too much to bear. I went out of the room in search of Aunty. I mom’s cheek was really swollen and I was concerned. She said she had noticed too but she couldn’t figure out what was causing it. we made small talk for a while then I decided to go back home. We said our goodbyes as cheerfully as we could. Still not a word came out of her.

On Monday I went to school with a heavy heart. I had so many unanswered questions. And the only person who could answer them wouldn’t speak to me. I got home made supper and tried my best to act like all was well. Tuesday went by without much drama until later on.We turned in early and just before midnight there was a knock at the door. It was my uncle, her younger brother. He was in such a hurry and I could see there was a hint of panic on his face. He needed Mom’s I.D and medical aid cards. She had become critical and had to be rushed to hospital. Aunty was taking her and he would meet them there. I wanted to go too but he wouldn’t let me, he said to go to school as usual in the morning and that he was sure she would be fine. I did as I was told. Wednesday  was long and unbearable. I had not heard anything and I couldn’t concentrate in class. At around eleven I got a strange feeling. A sudden emptiness that I couldn’t explain. I started scribbling on a piece of paper (I write poems when I’m upset). Somehow I knew she was gone I had written about how much I would miss her smile and her laughter. I wish I had kept it but at the time I had other things on my mind. I tried to get a pass at lunch and when that didn’t work I snuck out.

We didn’t have a phone at my house so I went to my uncles and called him at work. He gave me the name of the hospital and the ward she was in. I went home to change and make supper for my brother then I left for the hospital. I didn’t have much money so I had to walk from town to the hospital and that took a while. When I got there my heart was pounding and as soon as I saw uncle and his wife standing at the door my worst fears were confirmed. They told me that the doctor was attending to her and we had to wait a while but I didn’t believe it. They took me to the car and they told me she was gone. I knew already but to hear those words was just too much. They explained to me that she had taken her last breath sometime in the morning. The doctor had told them that he had found a cavity in her swollen cheek. In it was all the medication she was supposed to be taking over the past few weeks. She was stashing them there instead of swallowing. She had stopped living intentionally; I suppose she was tired of fighting a battle with no end in sight. I couldn’t speak, neither could I cry nor do anything. All of a sudden the car became too small. I had to get out. My thoughts rushed to my brother- her baby. She was the only parent he had ever really known. Dad had died when he was only 5. Now only two years later how was I going to tell him his mommy was gone too?

As we drove home I tried my best to compose myself. I had to be strong....I had people who needed me to be strong. My brothers needed to see me with my wits about me. And I had a funeral to arrange.  That’s what I thought anyway. When we got there I asked for my brother to be taken to my uncle’s house. I couldn’t face him. I couldn’t tell him. There were light bulbs that needed replacing and the neighbours needed to be told. People needed to be called. So much had to be done.

I don’t remember sitting down or resting not even for a second.  I was up and about the whole night. I thought if I kept myself busy I could shut out the reality and numb the pain. I didn’t want to feel the loss. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t want to deal with it.  

Acceptable vs Perfect

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, oh Lord my strength and my redeemer" Psalm 19:14

This is one of my favourite bible verses. It’s also one of the best prayers therein. I was introduced to this prayer by my grade six teacher. He used to make us say it every morning and at that time it didn’t mean much. I recited it over and over again but it ended at just reciting. As I grew older and went to high school I forgot all about it. Then after I got saved I found myself looking for it along with many other verses that I had memorised when I was younger. It meant a lot to me that I remembered. I still don’t really know why.

Recently I was walking in town and I started saying the prayer in my head. As I said the words I started analyzing them. This prayer is all about asking God to take over our minds and our tongues the most powerful parts of our beings. These two can make or break us and those around us. Our thoughts often become words and actions. But that’s a story for another day.

What really caught my attention was the word “acceptable” which,  according to Google, means adequate or satisfactory.  I think the Psalmist chose that word intentionally. If we work towards being acceptable it relieves the pressure of trying to be the best. We just try to be good enough. Yet at the end of the day while we’re busy trying to be good enough for God we actually present to him our best. We are becoming perfect like Him without even knowing it. He made us in His image- perfect like Him. Then sin just had to come and ruin it for us and make us all dirty.

You might be wondering why I’m encouraging us to aim for middle ground. Actually I’m not and neither was the psalmist. It was a trick I think. We think “All I need to do is be satisfactory” and as we read the word and do like it says we are moulded into the people God has ordained us to be. We are made perfect in his eyes. And I strongly believe that his definition of perfect differs from ours. He is perfection and he knows its a tall order for you and me. He knows temptation is all around us and sometimes we fall into its trap. But once we go back to His throne and confess and repent, He accepts us and therefore we are made perfect.

So according to this verse acceptable and perfect mean the same thing. Because whenever God takes over He makes us nothing less than perfect

Extreme Makeover- Attitude Edition

 “Where the mind goes, the man follows” – Joyce Meyer.

As I was reading this yesterday I realised it how true it was. Everything we do, or don’t do for that matter, begins in our heads. Then all those other quotes that you hear every other day  about how our thoughts become actions yada yada came to me. I’ve heard it before and it makes perfect sense each time, but I had never thought about it nor had I tried to personalise it.

 How many things have u failed to do before you even tried?  Just last week I woke up with the urge to write something and I had all these ideas swarming in my head. I decided I would start a blog then in the next moment I was doubting myself. I had a conversation with me and I realised I had so many what ifs. What if no one read it or they did read it and they hated it. What if none of it made sense the list goes on and on. I asked my husband he said if I wanted to do it I should (like he says about everything. I swear he would say the same if I said I wanted to cut my head off). I thought about it the whole morning then I realised for every plus I came up with I could come up with a million minuses. So I said to myself I would do it anyway. Even if only one person read it and they hated it. One week later I’m glad I did. But this is just one of the few incidents where I let my positive thoughts overrule the negative. Most of the time I find it easier to just tell myself “honey you could never pull that off” and sadly I believe it and I don’t even try. Then a few weeks down the line I start to regret. All the people we read about in the history books started off just like me- ordinary people with ideas. The difference is they took the plunge.  They could have spent the rest of their lives procrastinating but they didn’t. They could have said it’s too hard but they kept at it. They could have just told themselves how silly their idea was, laughed it off and left it at that. Because of their attitudes the Wright brothers, Leonardo da Vinci, Florence Nightingale and the rest of them left a mark on this world.

Google defines attitude as “A settled way of thinking or feeling, typically reflected in a person's behaviour”. I will be the first to admit that I’m not as driven as I should be. I lose heart easily and I’m quick to give up when it looks like it’s beginning to get tough. Sometimes I lose interest when I shouldn’t and that attitude has cost me too much. I also procrastinate – I have been meaning to start school at the end of the month for the past three years. And I am an expert when it comes to making excuses. It has dawned on me that it’s not that God has not answered some of my prayers, He has but I have been too busy or lazy to rise to the occasion.

From today I’ve made up mind to stop making excuses. I’m going to do anything I want (if the law permits) and I’m going to be so darn good at it. I intend to surprise myself and the world. I’m not going to do “it” tomorrow (whatever it is). I’m changing my attitude. This not a new year’s resolution but a “rest of my life” resolution. I’m done waiting to react to favourable situations it’s high time I start making favourable situations for myself. it’s not going to happen overnight but I will work hard at it and I won’t let anything stop me. My time starts now.

Train up a child

“Train up a child in the way he should go:  and when he is old, he will not depart from it” Proverbs 22:6 (KJV).  

Fafie, my daughter, turned one a few weeks ago. Seems like only yesterday when we were hovering over her in the hospital. Then I was thinking “WOW! I’m a mother”. Come to think of it I’m still thinking it... I watch her grow each day, learning new things especially new words. Some of them make me laugh others are mmmm let’s just say not so funny. As I watched her last night it dawned on me: who she is going to become will be dependent on who I am. That freaked me out. Growing up I had wise level headed women to look up to and she has ME! Poor child.

Seriously though, I have a challenge. What do you teach a growing child? How do you make sure it sticks? With kids it’s not really about what you tell them but what you do. Monkey see monkey do right? Already she’s picked up quite a number of habits from me and her dad and the maid, but so far so good. Nothing scary yet. Anyway what I’m saying is the training has to start now. And it starts with me. I can’t wait for her to go kwagogo (grandma’s) so that she can be told wrong from right. Nor can I make it her teachers’ responsibility when she goes to school. I have to do it.

As parents we need to live the things we teach our kids. That’s the only way they can really get it. If you say one thing and do the opposite you create confusion for your kids and trouble for yourself. How can they follow in your footsteps if they have never seen you walk? Think about it. i’m not saying don’t talk  things over with your kids. By all means say it as loud as you can and as many times as you need to. But after saying it you need to live it. Be their biggest role model, everyone else should come after. Don’t be the picture of the person your kids DON'T want to be.

I pray that God shows me the way I should go so that I can be the best example I can be. I’m new at this but I try hard to do what is right. I know I will make mistakes along the way as does everyone else but I’m prepared to learn from them. I want to look at my kids in 20 years and pat myself on the back for a job well done. But then again who doesn't?

Love Personified

Many of us use the word LOVE quite often. Some of us abuse it even. But few of us know what it really means. Love is a doing word. Less about what you say and more about what you do. All about walking the talk. It is giving without expectation, toiling for no reward or recognition.  When you truly love someone you don’t need to say a word. Your actions will speak for you.

 I have seen love with my own eyes. Well not really but I have met someone who embodies the very meaning of love. She is the colour of love...lol. She is a huge part of my life and she is just amazing. The things she has done for other people- especially me are out of this world.

 I was 18 and my world had just fallen apart. My mother had just died and with no one to take care of us my brothers and I had to be “distributed” amongst our relatives. She ended up with me- headstrong and difficult yet broken. I was so afraid with so many unknowns staring me in the eye. Yes she had always been around while I was growing up. My brother had been in her wedding and we sometimes went to her house for the holidays. She was one of the few people who came to visit while my mother was sick and I thought she was nice enough. But going to live with her was a whole different story. I’m sure we’ve all heard all those horror stories about kids being abused by relatives. Well I had heard them too. Needless to say none of my fears came to life.

 I am at a loss for words right now because there seems to be none that can adequately describe her. She took me in when no one else would and made me one of her own. She treated me the same as her girls and she looked past my many flaws and showered me with love. She gave me advice and corrected me when necessary.  She has taught me a lot and even now that I’m married and out of her house she still does. She tended to me when I was sick. She has never tried to buy my love nor is she afraid to reprimand me. She is as real as they get. The woman I am today is a direct result of her efforts and I am eternally grateful (I know my husband is too).

 She is a huge part of my support system –always eager to lend an ear or a shoulder or both. I know I can call on her day or night and she will gladly answer.  I don’t know where I’d be had God not placed her in my life. She can never take my mother’s place but she’s a close second. Because of her, her children also have shown me a great deal of love. I can’t for the life of me call them cousins... they are now my sisters. And I love them to bits.

 She is my mentor, friend, mother, sister and aunt rolled into one. She has been there for me from that very first day and in her house, correction home I have always felt welcome. Tears come to my eyes whenever I think what would have happened to me had she decided to look the other way and let someone else take me. I know my life would have turned out differently. Like I said earlier words fail me when I talk about her and I know I can never repay her for what she has done in my life.

 I pray though, that God blesses her and expands her territory. That He grants her the desires of her heart. I pray also that He makes more women with hearts like hers. Men too. And if He could make me half the woman she is that too would be nice.

 She is loved and respected by all who know her. Her husband, children friends and in laws. In my eyes she is a Beautiful Black Woman

Beautiful Black Woman

Its not who I am but who I aspire to be, a combination of all those women who have made an impact on my life. The women I look up to and admire most. That woman you read about in books and fairy tales. That woman whose beauty goes beyond the physical.

Beautiful to the bone...lol.

A woman of sound character and strong morals. A woman of humility and grace. A woman with a heart of pure gold from which love abounds .  A woman who commands respect from all. Who when she speaks the world listens. Who makes a difference in the world by simply touching one life at a time. A woman who demands perfection from herself yet accepts the shortcomings of others. Who is constantly seeking to raise the bar and be better in all she does. A woman who exploits her strengths and is able to live with her flaws.   A woman who refuses to be defined by the colour of her skin.  Who embraces her femininity and is not afraid to express herself. A woman who is not limited by geographical borders or the environment.  A woman whose happiness is contagious. A woman that God would be proud to call his own.

I want to be that woman and more. I want to be beautiful in my mind in my body and in my spirit. I want to be a beautiful black woman. 

Mommy Dear

My last post got me thinking about my mother a lot. Every other day I’m reminded of her in the little and big things alike. Like when her favourite song is played on radio or I talk to her brother or her sister and especially when I hear that joke that used to make her roll about in laughter no matter how many times she heard it. But today I’m really intentionally (if ever there was such a thing) thinking about her. And I miss her...

 Yes! I've admitted it. I Miss Her. But let me hasten to say, not in that sad depressing mopey kinda way. Not at all. I used to do all that. I would get myself into a state, cry for hours and walk around looking like a zombie (feeling like one too).  I couldn't allow myself to be happy. God forbid!!!- I thought orphans were meant to be miserable.  I would then get mad at the world for moving on and for not coming to my pity party. Why wouldn't they join me, i mean how could they just go on like everything was the same as it has always been? Didn't all those people who “claimed” to love her miss her too? The list of questions was endless. I even blamed myself for not doing enough.

Well now I know better and I intend to do better. Like I said I miss her. In that i will always love you and I’m glad to have known you kinda way. I can remember her and smile and I’m ever so glad that God comforted me and helped me get past the anger the bitterness and all the other unpleasant feelings that come with it. I have stopped shutting out the memories and I’m letting them flow freely. I don’t feel guilty when I laugh because I know had she been here watching me, she would rejoice in my happiness. She loved me more than anyone ever will and I loved her.

The word love however was rarely spoken between us but it was undoubtedly there.  Like any other teenager and her mom we fought all the time and we never seemed to agree on anything. From television programs to boys and everything in between. But there was a bond so strong, almost visible to the eye. A love that can only exist between a mother and her child. It is that love that got us through the storms. And God knows in the last 2 years of her life we went through so many of them. It is that love that gave me the strength to feed and bathe her on the bad days. That gave me the strength to hold her and tell her it would be OK even though I wasn't so sure. That gave me the will to go on when the world seemed to be falling apart. It is that love that gave me the courage to look into her eyes and watch her let go of life. Even as I write all of this I weep not because I know I did the best that I could and I have no regrets.

Yes there are the many occasions when I have wished she were here with me. To share in my joy when I got married when I got my diploma and when I had my first baby (her first grandchild). But I know now that it was part of God’s plan. I still don’t understand it but I have stopped questioning Him. I have stopped asking why.

I cant take the credit for this transition though. I had help. In fact I had lots of help. The Lord came to my rescue. For his word says “And I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may abide with you forever”. John 4:16 (KJV).Need I say more?   

Taken for Granted

“Some have food but cannot eat.

Some can eat but have no food.

We can eat and we have food.

Thank you Lord for everything.”

Its funny how we take so many things for granted and not even realise it. When I first heard this prayer it brought tears to my eyes. To this day it tugs at my heartstrings. The little person reciting it was just proud to be showing off  what her “amazing “ teacher had taught her but as I sat down to eat that night I ate the much despised sadza, covo and beef stew with a bit more enthusiasm than normal.

I got to thinking about how I’m always complaining about this n that. How I feel I don’t need to thank God or anyone else for that matter because I feel entitled to whatever it is I would have received. All of us have been there in fact most are permanent residents. But just think while we are busy complaining about how we do not like what or where we are eating there is someone out there who cannot perform the simple task of chewing and swallowing their food (some can’t even drink soup). Then there are those who are going hungry because of poverty they cannot afford even the very basic things. Immediately I think of the millions in Somalia and Ethiopia starving in their war ridden countries. I remember my grandmother telling me I would end up like them if I didn’t finish my food. Those of us who have food and are able to eat it should be thankful for it.

Then my mind wandered to other things. For example as a teenager I always complained about how my mother never got me. Then it dawns on me now that she’s gone ”at least I had a mother” . I never was able to wear trendy in-fashion clothes but I had clothes and more often than not I got them brand new. I always fought with my siblings and up till now we don’t always see eye to eye but m thankful for their love and support.

I could go on and on but the point is I realise now that my life has been better than average and as I start 2013 I am going to be more thankful. Take everything in its stride and be grateful for each breath and each word I get to say. In fact I’ll start right now- For my daughter, my husband, for love for family and for everything else thank You God!