Mommy Dear

My last post got me thinking about my mother a lot. Every other day I’m reminded of her in the little and big things alike. Like when her favourite song is played on radio or I talk to her brother or her sister and especially when I hear that joke that used to make her roll about in laughter no matter how many times she heard it. But today I’m really intentionally (if ever there was such a thing) thinking about her. And I miss her...

 Yes! I've admitted it. I Miss Her. But let me hasten to say, not in that sad depressing mopey kinda way. Not at all. I used to do all that. I would get myself into a state, cry for hours and walk around looking like a zombie (feeling like one too).  I couldn't allow myself to be happy. God forbid!!!- I thought orphans were meant to be miserable.  I would then get mad at the world for moving on and for not coming to my pity party. Why wouldn't they join me, i mean how could they just go on like everything was the same as it has always been? Didn't all those people who “claimed” to love her miss her too? The list of questions was endless. I even blamed myself for not doing enough.

Well now I know better and I intend to do better. Like I said I miss her. In that i will always love you and I’m glad to have known you kinda way. I can remember her and smile and I’m ever so glad that God comforted me and helped me get past the anger the bitterness and all the other unpleasant feelings that come with it. I have stopped shutting out the memories and I’m letting them flow freely. I don’t feel guilty when I laugh because I know had she been here watching me, she would rejoice in my happiness. She loved me more than anyone ever will and I loved her.

The word love however was rarely spoken between us but it was undoubtedly there.  Like any other teenager and her mom we fought all the time and we never seemed to agree on anything. From television programs to boys and everything in between. But there was a bond so strong, almost visible to the eye. A love that can only exist between a mother and her child. It is that love that got us through the storms. And God knows in the last 2 years of her life we went through so many of them. It is that love that gave me the strength to feed and bathe her on the bad days. That gave me the strength to hold her and tell her it would be OK even though I wasn't so sure. That gave me the will to go on when the world seemed to be falling apart. It is that love that gave me the courage to look into her eyes and watch her let go of life. Even as I write all of this I weep not because I know I did the best that I could and I have no regrets.

Yes there are the many occasions when I have wished she were here with me. To share in my joy when I got married when I got my diploma and when I had my first baby (her first grandchild). But I know now that it was part of God’s plan. I still don’t understand it but I have stopped questioning Him. I have stopped asking why.

I cant take the credit for this transition though. I had help. In fact I had lots of help. The Lord came to my rescue. For his word says “And I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may abide with you forever”. John 4:16 (KJV).Need I say more?